Everyone’s favorite local dish in China is Yangzhou chaofan – which is the best type of fried rice, even tastier than semi-frozen Reese’s peanut butter cups to scoop clean buckets of Breyers butterscotch ice cream. “揚(yáng)州炒飯”恐怕是炒飯里最好吃的一款，也是許多人最鐘愛(ài)的中國(guó)菜。甚至要比剛從冰箱里拿出來(lái)的“銳滋花生醬巧克力杯”還要好吃，哪怕是拿勺子挖空布魯爾斯(Breyers)奶油冰淇淋的滋味，兩者的口味融合在一起也比不過(guò)“揚(yáng)州炒飯”。 Just trust me, I’ve done the research, asking several people in my chatgroup. All agreed the fried rice varietal was their hands-down death-row last-meal option, and half added they wouldn’t even mind if the governor didn’t interrupt their final repast with a pardon-me/pardon-you text message. 請(qǐng)相信我，我已經(jīng)做過(guò)調(diào)查，問(wèn)了聊天群的幾個(gè)人，他們都一致選擇將“揚(yáng)州炒飯”作為在世前的最后一餐。其中還有半數(shù)人補(bǔ)充道，只要讓他們?cè)谌松淖詈箨P(guān)頭吃一盤“揚(yáng)州炒飯”，就算典獄長(zhǎng)在這緊要關(guān)頭遞上來(lái)一紙“免死金牌”，他們都不在乎。 Also, to hyperbolize for the purposes of humor, I quite honorably interpreted non-responses to the scientific survey as “pros”, or “yeses”, reasonably assuming that a “no-reply” was codeword for “no duh…”, and of course bears are Catholic, Sherlock. 此外，為了幽默，我將大家對(duì)這份科學(xué)調(diào)查的沉默理解為“贊成”，也可以進(jìn)行合理地假設(shè)，他們的"不予回應(yīng)”不是在表達(dá)“不”的意思。以上都是一些個(gè)人拙見(jiàn)，不用見(jiàn)怪。 Back to the boiling pan… if you are flush with mineral water, fill it halfway high, bone up the butane and then replace the glass pot cover. It must be mineral water and glass because: a) rice is a thirsty grain, and what it drinks, you drink, and b) to monitor viscosity and hydration levels, transparent covers are in order for on-the-fly fixes. 回到正題。首先用礦泉水洗米，然后把米倒進(jìn)鍋里，到鍋的一半高度就可以了，然后用玻璃鍋蓋蓋上鍋。解釋一下用礦泉水和玻璃鍋蓋的原理：首先，用礦泉水是因?yàn)榇竺兹菀孜?，好水才能蒸出好米；其次，在煮飯過(guò)程中，選擇用玻璃鍋蓋，是因?yàn)椴Ａ峭该鞯?，可以幫助我們更好的觀察大米的黏合程度以及吸收水分的情況，這樣如果情況不妙可以立即采取措施。 While the Nongfu minerals boil, here’s something to hold us over: 在等待飯煮熟的過(guò)程中，我想到了兩句詩(shī)。 There will be more understandings shining in the night sky; The movement composed with sweats rippled along the rice ear waves. 鋤禾日當(dāng)午，粒粒皆辛苦。 (Tang Dynasty poet Li Shen). （該詩(shī)的靈感來(lái)源于引用了中國(guó)唐代詩(shī)人李紳的《憫農(nóng)》） While you epicurean enthusiasts were enjoying that poem, I used the 12 seconds to finely mince fresh garlic -- the stale bulbs have all been exported to Transylvania for defensive weaponry -- crack a chicken egg into a rice bowl -- no other animals please, mule and porbeagle eggs have thick shells which don’t mix well with fried rice -- and prep a plate of quartered cherry tomatoes. 當(dāng)你們這些美食家們還在回味這首詩(shī)的時(shí)候，我用12秒的時(shí)間把新鮮的大蒜切碎——對(duì)，就是羅馬尼亞的特蘭西瓦尼亞用之當(dāng)武器的大蒜。然后，打一個(gè)雞蛋放在碗里備著，千萬(wàn)不要用其他動(dòng)物的蛋哦，它們的外殼都很硬，不適合炒飯。最后準(zhǔn)備一些小西紅柿，分量占盤子的四分之一就可以。 When the rice is ready, switch to a pre-heated silicone stick-proof skillet battered with unsalted butter, singe the bulbs and egg in that order, then add the rice with two tablespoons of EV olive oil. 當(dāng)米飯煮熟后，倒進(jìn)預(yù)熱過(guò)的平底鍋前，先在鍋里放入無(wú)鹽黃油，再把切好的大蒜和雞蛋倒入鍋內(nèi)翻炒，然后加入兩大勺熟米飯，倒入幾滴橄欖油，和著大蒜和雞蛋一起炒。 Cubed cooked ham can be added now for ravenous meat-eaters among you. 另外，為了照顧胃口好的肉食愛(ài)好者們，現(xiàn)在可以把熟制火腿加進(jìn)去。 This is no time to leave the room, and non-stop vigilance and spatula scrapings are crucial to maintaining consistency and avoiding an unwanted rice pancake. 但是到目前為止，并不意味著炒飯可以出鍋。你還需要保持警惕，持續(xù)地翻炒，防止鍋底的那部分食物糊掉，變成鍋巴。 Tomatoes are tossed in during the final minute of frying to prevent sogginess. 在炒飯出鍋前，把之前準(zhǔn)備好的小西紅柿放進(jìn)飯里一起炒，因?yàn)槲骷t柿在這個(gè)時(shí)間段內(nèi)放進(jìn)去才不會(huì)太熟。 Finally, if you are cooking for one, all these steps are unnecessary and a trip to a local restaurant is your best option -- they actually do the dishes here for you at these places when you are done dining! 最后，如果你只是做一份炒飯，以上的所有步驟都可以省略。去當(dāng)?shù)氐牟宛^就餐是你最好的選擇，因?yàn)槌酝觑埬氵€不用洗碗。 But if important visitor(s) are hearth-hovering, mastering China’s most delicious victual is vital to leaving their gustatory agog, and they may not even take note of your substandard social skills or inattention to other boring details like socks drying over unused burners and a large, metallic “big soak” underway in the sink. 不過(guò)如果你要招待重要朋友，他們還特別注飲食健康，那么打開他們的味覺(jué)，讓他們興奮起來(lái)的關(guān)鍵就是，給他們做一道最美味的中國(guó)食物。這樣一來(lái)，他們的注意力就會(huì)分散，不會(huì)注意到你一些不合適的社交行為或者是一些生活細(xì)節(jié)，比如把襪子放在還未使用的爐子上烘干，或者是水槽里還屯著待清洗“大金屬塊”。 Actually, it’s probably easier to just eat out. 總而言之，還是外出就餐更方便。 I glazed the gumbo to gelatinous glee, kneaded into noodles for NO ONE to see! 就像我在揉面的時(shí)候，把秋葵的粘液揉進(jìn)面團(tuán)，但是我所做的一切都沒(méi)人看！ And as I realized I needn’t dine alone, I sent the photos worldwide from my phone. 不過(guò)，我把這些有趣的照片發(fā)到網(wǎng)絡(luò)上，和全世界分享快樂(lè)，我就不再是一個(gè)孤獨(dú)的美食家了。